Quest For Feeling Good

Honestly, this is going to a hell of a hard post to write. When I wrote the title up, I intended for it to be a "tips to loving yourself and your body", but when I eventually got around to writing it, I wasn't in the best frame of mind. Dealing with depression can really take it's kick out of you. I even debated putting this post on the back burner *again* but decided it was meant to be. Sometimes I can just keep typing and eventual goodness happens.

As with all my work, photographic and otherwise, I just hope it reaches the right people, at the right time.

So with that, I've decided to take a different route.

To talk about my own love-hate relationship with my body.

So.. what we say to ourselves really comes around. And it doesn't affect just us.

This would be a given, but how many times have you heard a friend say something extremely negative about how they look, how they act or how intelligent they are?

Well, my mother used to do that A LOT. This is going to sound horrible, but my Mum was extremely negative throughout my childhood. Not much has actually really changed to be honest but I'm not going into the present as that's a whole other kettle of fish. My youth was filled with negative comments about her own, other peoples' and my own body and clothing. I grew up being made to feel like I had to look a certain way to just leave the house. If we did not look "tidy", then a tantrum would ensue. And bear in mind, "tidy" was always overdressed for the situation. I grew up with a woman who blasted anything and everything, as well as picked on anyone... was it really a surprise that I was affected to feel shit about myself?

Since then, my life has been filled with times of the day where I'll literally pull at my skin and poke my "fat bits". Even at my smallest, I hated how "fat" I was. I'd always compare myself to others, especially my sister who is 11 months younger than me. She was always a larger chick, and I always imagined I was the same size as her and my mother. Body dysmorphia at it's finest, believing as a size 6-8 that I was a size 18-20.

Image by Edwin Meek

Definition as supplied by The Mayo Clinic online

Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely focus on your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming or seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviours cause you significant distress and impact your ability to function in your daily life.

And it did just that. It completely ruled my life.

 Having body dysmorphia varies for many people, but this was and is still my experience. For most of my life, I couldn't leave the house or attend social gatherings because I worried so much about how I looked, what I'd wear, what others thought of me, and how I'd fit in. For a period of time I wouldn't even have anyone inside my house because I'd covered up all the mirrors or taken them down if I could. I lived by myself, had no friends, but it made it a little awkward for dating.

Between my depression, body dysmorphia and my anxiety, I was a right fun time in my head.

I imagined so many different scenarios constantly. All of which ended up the same way. With people laughing at some aspect of how I looked, or picking on me. All of which were my imagination as by this point, I had no one in my life other than immediate family and a forever changing list of boyfriends that never lasted long enough to really be a part of my story.

It was at this point in my life I discovered boudoir.

Thing is, I was ready for it. I needed a change and was willing to accept it. Doing my own photoshoots, I learnt to be a bit more accepting of what I had. But I'll repeat, it come into my life at a point in time where I truly needed it and was completely ready in my mind.

Things were okay, but not amazing for a few years. Unfortunately, due to work stress and relationship issues (same story always a different person), my depression really went downhill and I found myself in a hole I couldn't get out of. Counselling didn't work, and then Covid happened. That was my rock bottom for my depression. If I could take any opportunity to crawl into a hole, I would. Not literally, mind.

So pretty much I'm back to square one.

Image by Justin Baxter

You might find this last paragraph a little blunt. No matter what I tried, I couldn't really continue. I came back to this post right here, a few days later in a different light, but still as exhausted and unclear as I was when I started writing. I'm still only able to really talk about my past and a bit more hesitant to talk about my present. I'm still working through a lot, and rather emotional.

How the f#$% is this person taking photos of vulnerable people, you are probably asking.

Well, because I know how some people may feel. I know personally what it's like to be in several different places of mind about oneself. I know how I've felt, I know what I've seen, and I know that others out there will feel moderately the same way. Everyone is different with how we feel and think.

And that's why I continue to do it.

Because life is just one big journey of self love and forgiveness.